GO AWAY, AND DON'T COME BACK!!

MAKE IT STOP!!; MAKE IT STOP!!

There is this tiny-little-song-that-could that has exploded.  And exploded again.  And again...and again.  It's technically called "Call Me Maybe."  I prefer to call it "Herpes of the Ear Canal."  It sounds like shit, and all I want is for it to go away and never come back.

The singer's name is Carly Rae Jepsen, and she is on every talk show.  Every day.  Singing this piece of shit song.  I put the above video up sheerly as a point of reference.  As you can see, she needs no more encouragement to keep singing this song.  With hundreds of millions of views, this chick has been encouraged way too much as it is. 

Every time I turn on my car, this shit is blaring from the radio.  I immediately switch the station, and the song simply picks up at the exact same point the previous radio station left off. 

It is like Bill Murray waking up to the same crappy day every.single.day. in Groundhog Day.  Only, it happens every 30 minutes.  Far worse than a daily occurrence.

I want to do to Carly Rae Jepsen exactly what "Phil Connors" did to "Ned Ryerson."

 

[images via: (1) source; (2) source]

Chubby Chasers Wanted!

I've long said that people make a deal with the devil when they choose to be known only for their looks, and here is further proof of what a desperate joke you can become when you are no longer that starving 25-year-old Barbie clone:

I don't know what the f*ck she was thinking when tweeting this pic of herself, but Simpleton needs to know that nobody thinks this shit is hot!

Except maybe Ice T..........and a "chubby chaser" or two.

Unless our favorite hooker heel gazillionaire stops spending her dough on full-fat soft-serve...

....then she'll never shake like this...

 .....this...

...or THIS again!

Starve that shit, girl!  You can do it!

#Winning!

[images via (1) Twitter©; (2) source; (3) source; (4) source; (5) source; (6) source]

OUTTA' MY FRIDGE, FATTY!!

I think I have made my distaste for mayonnaise very clear:  The product itself.....the people who eat the gelatinous muck......anything that remotely resembles it.........and, ABOVE ALL, mayonnaise sitting in a f*cking squeezie-bottle in my own muthafuckin' fridge.

WHO PUT THIS SHIT IN MY HOUSE?!?!?!?!?!

Our place at the Outer Banks is very old....and very old-school (*see dinner bell and wall phone in the kitchen).  So, you can expect to see the standard Southern fare you'll never catch me dead with in my house-house:  pimiento cheese, chicken salad, broccoli salad, etc.... Yes.. I realize these products all contain that putrid white glop known as mayonnaise, but I do not make them.  Nor do I watch them being made.  Nor will I ever approve of anything being called a SALAD when its "bonding agent" is muthafuckin' mayo.  SCRATCH THAT!  I mean muthafuckin' mayonnaise.  That vicious whore and I will NEVER be cool enough with each other to be on a nickname basis, after all.

yuck...

yuck...

YUCK!!!!

What's just as bad as a squeezie-bottle of mayonnaise, you may ask?...... Well, I'd say a squeezie-bottle of tartar sauce.  EQUALLY HORRIFIC!

Sour cream....ranch dressing......mayonnaise..........anything that imitates mayonnaise (*see Miracle Whip; Vegenaise).......tartar sauce.....alfredo sauce.  Sick.  Sick.  SICK!

Whomever slipped this COMPLETELY FOUL shit in my fridge needs to 'fess up.  And, please.....  BY ALL MEANS.... give a girl a warning next time!









[images via: (1) PhilipsWood/Written Without Adderall©; (2)source; (3) source; (4) source]

Liz??

[image via source]

SPOTTED!!

...at the coffee shop.

Obese Kris Jenner?...Liza Minelli??









[image via Philips Wood/Written Without Adderall©]

"Cynthia, You're my Moon Goddess!"

"Cynthia.....darling?  Cynthia...come back!"

It occurred to me recently that pretty much anything there is to learn in life can be learned from one of my all-time favorite cinematic masterpieces.  No....not Citizen Kane....or Gone With the Wind, Casablanca, or The Godfather.  Hell.. not even All About Eve, as some may suspect for me.

Spotted!:  I see Marilyn in her first role in a major film!!

Obviously, Melanie Griffith's take-no-prisoners upwardly mobile secretary "Tess McGill" in Working Girl always makes me want to get even with wit and intellect.  But it requires one wickedly permed wig and panty hose.  That just won't do because the word "panty" is more sickening than the gang rape scene in Showgirls.

It may be nowhere near the apex of the American Film Institute's Top-100 films of all time (or anywhere near a consideration for the list at all), but nothing is more quotable or inspiring to me than the underrated 1991 masterpiece Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

If you aren't moved by these highlights, you have no soul.:

Whatever happened to that 'ol bag Sturak in real life anyways??

Homegirl be dead as a doornail.


Eda Reiss "Mrs. Sturak" Merin was born on July 31st, 1913.  She croaked at 84 on March 31, 1998.

RIP, GURRL.

"NICE OLD LADY INSIDE; DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES."

[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) source; (4) source; (5) source; (6) source; (7) source; (8) source; (9) source; (10) source]

Who Are You People?

I am just getting home from an appointment, and all the girl could talk about was The Bachelorette, and who got a rose....or boutonnier.....or dildo....or whatever the shart the contestants get.   I began to sob as soon as I left my appointment.  My personal life is in shambles, my dog is severely injured from being run over.....AND Kim Zolciak is FINALLY getting married tonight.  Clearly, there are much more important things I need to attend to.

Every time I go somewhere, I feel like I overhear people talking about what happened on The Bachelor and/or The Bachelorette.  Just who ARE these people?!  And why on EARTH are you giving this shit any attention?!

Who the fuck are these people?  And why on Earth am I supposed to give a shit?

Now, I know my "culture.":  Pop culture.......low culture......and, well, SUPER-low culture.  But this Bachelor / Bachelorette shit is ridiculous.  You are NOT celebrities. And you are not Bravolebrities, either.  YOU AND YOUR TEEN MOM COHORTS NEED TO GET OFF OF MY MAGAZINE COVERS!

I think that NeNe and I can agree here!:

[images via: (1) source; (2) source]

Ugly People.

Things aren't going so well right now.  Looking pretty hideous.  Shall I hibernate??







[image via someecards.com]

'DALLAS': TOP OF THE QUEUE!!

I cannot wait to give my own take on the morrow, but the critics have spoken.  And the new Dallas is...get this...ACCLAIMED!!Words cannot express how excited I am to have this at the top of my queue! 

I haven't seen a new Dallas since I'd sneak downstairs on Friday nights as a wee l'il shit and watch it over the top of my mom's short-lived perm while she pretended not to know I was watching the Ewings battle it out behind the couch in the den. 


Here's to yesteryear!

And welcome back, Ewings!

Tune in to TNT tonight at 9/8 Central for a sudsy evening at Southfork Ranch!









[images via: (1) source; (2) Philips Wood/Written Without Adderall©; (3) source; (4) source]

PIC OF THE DAY: CAPTION ME!

As I head off to the BlogWorld Expo in New Yawk today so I can hopefully pick up a trick or two to improve my technical abilities for Written Without Adderall© (preferably without being judged for my...mmm...level of political correctness), I am left with this loverly image to make me feel at home while visiting my adopted home.

SPOTTED AT DA' BUS STOP!!:

She gon' walk off wit'dat street sign and have no clue how it done follow her home!

*****

Let me know!:  WHAT'S A GOOD CAPTION FOR THIS PIECE OF PHOTOGRAPHIC PLATINUM?!

*****

Doing My Damndest to be Nice!

Soooo.

Acclaimed stage actress and Sex and the City star Cynfee-ya Nixon married her......ummmmm........hmmm.  Her "girlfriend" Christopher Christine Marinoni this week.

It simply MUST be true lurrve for Cynfee-ya!!

Bless their hearts.

In case you are confused, that is not a stumpy l'il rotund male leprechaun next to Nix.  Not only does Marinoni allegedly have a vagina, she's the one who CARRIED their baby. (No, no. I am not kidding.)

Doing my damnedest not to make any Arnold-Schwarzenegger-in-Junior jokes.

*****

Marinoni-Nixon offspring??

*****

I'm not hateful.  Again... Bless their hearts.









[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) source; (4) source]