All those obese mother**ckers who have been clogging up the gym with their yearly bullshit New Years Resolutions will be off of the Nautilus and row machines...and back at the Wendy's drive-thru.
I am not trying to sit here acting like I am Lance Armstrong, Sylvester Stallone or....well.....even your run-of-the-mill 10K runner. I am consistently inconsistent. Essentially, that means one week on; one week off. Or something like that.
Some weeks I think I can turn myself into Tyler Durden or a Men's Health model. I follow those weeks with complacent fried chicken and pizza binges. Then, the next week I decide to starve myself into looking like Victoria Beckham. But soon realize I am a dude. Okay, well....David Beckham. Damn! Back to fried chicken. Ahhhhhhhh! NOOOOOOO! Back to the kale smoothies. HELP! Oh, wait! I can just get wasted and smoke a cig instead of eating a meal...and look like Keith Richards. He isn't fat at all!
Ohhhhhhh.....WOW! Look at Jennifer Hudson in those Weight Watchers ads. Okay, I am gonna do it. I am going to get some exercise and eat my vegetables. Then show up on TV singing like a beautiful bird. OBVIOUSLY.
Rinse. Repeat. Repeat infinitely. [The cycle of madness never ends.] As long as I keep my chest in front of my stomach--and can see my penis when I look down without the view being obstructed by a gut, I guess I am okay. Right?
However, those January-at-the-Gymmers are the exact opposite. They are just plain 'ol consistent. And not the same way Patrick Bateman is consistent. They resolve to get unrealistically thin in an unrealistic amount of time EV'RY. SINGLE. YEAR. And by February, they usually huff their way out the front door in a stream of tears. This means that I can finally go back to my random day-or-two visits per week without having a claustrophobia-induced panic attack.
Fitness and nutrition people can tell you all the horse shit they want. Just starve your way to the weight you like. Classify that however you will. (The cleanses and extreme fad diets many supposed experts tout are nothing but thinly-veiled anorexia anyways.) Then, just do whatever it takes to keep it within a comfortable range. For example....when you eat that inevitable burger and fries for lunch, just eat a light green salad the next day. Everybody fucking does it; it's just so non-PC to say it. "Ooooohhhhh! She's anorexic!" That's what jealous people say. "No! She just doesn't think you should eat burgers every day." is what I say.
Being decently thin is NOT fucking anorexia. It's like those fat bitches who say, "Why do you run every day? You are so fit and lucky. You certainly don't have to run!"
Ummm......HELLO! She is thin BECAUSE she runs! [UGGGGGH, THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY!!] If you don't want to be obese, you have to AT LEAST be consistently inconsistent!
As long as you don't pull a full-on Tracy Gold, you're in the clear.
|Tracy Gold in the anorexia classic, For the Love of Nancy. Viewable on Lifetime/LMN virtually any given day.|
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you weren't in the gym in December, you won't be there in February.
[We all need to remember this when making our New Year's Resolution at the end of the year!]