The first day of February means that I can FINALLY start exercising again!
All those obese mother**ckers who have been clogging up the gym with their yearly bullshit New Years Resolutions will be off of the Nautilus and row machines...and back at the Wendy's drive-thru.
I am not trying to sit here acting like I am Lance Armstrong, Sylvester Stallone or....well.....even your run-of-the-mill 10K runner. I am consistently inconsistent. Essentially, that means one week on; one week off. Or something like that.
Some weeks I think I can turn myself into Tyler Durden or a Men's Health model. I follow those weeks with complacent fried chicken and pizza binges. Then, the next week I decide to starve myself into looking like Victoria Beckham. But soon realize I am a dude. Okay, well....David Beckham. Damn! Back to fried chicken. Ahhhhhhhh! NOOOOOOO! Back to the kale smoothies. HELP! Oh, wait! I can just get wasted and smoke a cig instead of eating a meal...and look like Keith Richards. He isn't fat at all!
Ohhhhhhh.....WOW! Look at Jennifer Hudson in those Weight Watchers ads. Okay, I am gonna do it. I am going to get some exercise and eat my vegetables. Then show up on TV singing like a beautiful bird. OBVIOUSLY.
Rinse. Repeat. Repeat infinitely. [The cycle of madness never ends.] As long as I keep my chest in front of my stomach--and can see my penis when I look down without the view being obstructed by a gut, I guess I am okay. Right?
However, those January-at-the-Gymmers are the exact opposite. They are just plain 'ol consistent. And not the same way Patrick Bateman is consistent. They resolve to get unrealistically thin in an unrealistic amount of time EV'RY. SINGLE. YEAR. And by February, they usually huff their way out the front door in a stream of tears. This means that I can finally go back to my random day-or-two visits per week without having a claustrophobia-induced panic attack.
Fitness and nutrition people can tell you all the horse shit they want. Just starve your way to the weight you like. Classify that however you will. (The cleanses and extreme fad diets many supposed experts tout are nothing but thinly-veiled anorexia anyways.) Then, just do whatever it takes to keep it within a comfortable range. For example....when you eat that inevitable burger and fries for lunch, just eat a light green salad the next day. Everybody fucking does it; it's just so non-PC to say it. "Ooooohhhhh! She's anorexic!" That's what jealous people say. "No! She just doesn't think you should eat burgers every day." is what I say.
Being decently thin is NOT fucking anorexia. It's like those fat bitches who say, "Why do you run every day? You are so fit and lucky. You certainly don't have to run!"
Ummm......HELLO! She is thin BECAUSE she runs! [UGGGGGH, THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY!!] If you don't want to be obese, you have to AT LEAST be consistently inconsistent!
As long as you don't pull a full-on Tracy Gold, you're in the clear.
Tracy Gold in the anorexia classic, For the Love of Nancy. Viewable on Lifetime/LMN virtually any given day.
~~~
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you weren't in the gym in December, you won't be there in February.
[We all need to remember this when making our New Year's Resolution at the end of the year!]
One of the best television "films" of all time and the Television Movie Queen meet in one fantastic event.
That's right!... The incomparable Victoria Davey "Tori" Spelling's Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? hits LMN T-O-N-I-G-H-T!! The world now knows what I have known since 1996. Even Lifetime/Lifetime Movie Network now advertise the flick as a cult classic. I have always simply called it fanfuckingtastic.
Famed DJ Marc Johnce mashed-up Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" and Whitney Houston's 1987 classic "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" months ago. It is ridiculously good, and I am so embarrassed I just stumbled across this!
Download "Friday Night I Wanna Dance With Somebody" HERE immediately!
It's an "Awards Season Sunday," and tonight we get to watch the Screen Actors Guild Awards! With a large percentage of the same voting pool, the SAG Awards are the best predictor of who will go home with the trophies on Oscar Night.
Awards season always leaves out some of my favorites, and I feel sorry for them. I had a dream about one of my favorite movies last night. Though it certainly never received critical acclaim when it was released in 1992, it should have. It's fucking awesome.
I dreamt that 3 Ninjas took home the Best Picture Academy Award nearly 2 decades after its release. Whenever I am lacking in motivation, I chant one of my favorite scenes from the movie a few times: "Rocky loves Emily; Rocky loves Emily!" It always seems to do the trick.
Eldest brother Rocky is such a pimp. He gets that babe Emily just by talking to her through cans attached by a string.
Rocky (aka Michael Treanor) is still straight gangsta'. Citing Eminem and Hollister models as his style inspirations, he likes to kick back 3 Ninjas style in his Los Angeles-area apartment. (And, yes....pun very much intended. Treanor's first 3 Ninjas sequel, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, is almost as fantastic as the original. Easily better than The Next Karate Kid.)
Played by the incomparable Kate Sargeant, a current photo of Emily is nowhere to be found. She has not even updated her IMDB page. Her credits since the end of the 3 Ninjas era are more of the behind-the-camera persuasion. The only things she seems to have done lately is contribute to production on 6 episodes of the television show, Castle.
I guess she never got veneers. Bless her heart.
~~~
Tune in to the Screen Actors Guild Awards tonight on either TBS or TNT at 8/7 Central. (Listen to the catty bitches on E!'s Live From the Red Carpet beginning at 6/5 Central!)
Purchase 3 Ninjas and any of its fantastic sequels here. Unfortunately, I don't believe there will be any clips shown during the SAG Awards broadcast.
The nominations for the 84th Annual Academy Awards have been announced! Most of the films deserving of recognition were acknowledged. However, there are certainly a few surprises in the mix.
~~~
PLEASANT SURPRISES:
(1) I love that Woody Allen's underrated Midnight in Paris got so much lurrvin'! It came out fairly early in 2011, so I was worried that the film's breezy and whimsical nature may be polarized by the typical late-year Weinstein machine. The only thing better would have been Owen Wilson sneaking into the mix for his performance in the film that also happens to be Allen's biggest fiscal success since 1986's Hannah and Her Sisters.
(2)BRIDESMAIDS! (Y'all know how much I love Bridesmaids and my girl Kristen!) Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy are now both Oscar-nominated gals! Wiig (who would definitely be nominated in the lead actress category if it were not for Academy snobbery towards comedic films...and the fact that the Best Actress race is by far the most competitive category this year) was nominated for Best Original Screenplay alongside co-writer Annie Mumolo. I am hoping for a Wiig win here.
If it weren't for the incomparable Octavia Spencer in The Help, I would absolutely be on team McCarthy for this prize. However, not only does Ms. Spencer supply a full range of emotion in this role, but The Help's book author Kathryn Stockett actually wrote the part of Minny with Octavia Spencer in mind. It's just too serendipitous not to end in a win for Octavia Spencer. I have been obsessed with this veteran character actress and her adorably telling eyes since 2000's Big Momma's House. My, what a long way she has come! I hope high profile roles continue for Spencer.
(**If you need any more convincing to be on team Spencer, check out The Help DVD's "deleted scenes" reel for her heart-wrenching scene that was edited out of the final cut. Spencer's final scene where her character Minny leaves her abusive husband with her children is how the book ended, but director Tate Taylor scrapped it so that the film ended on a lighter note.**)
In a very fun twist, Spencer and McCarthy are close friends in real life!
(1) Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. This long-awaited pairing of powerhouses Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock came and went with a whimper. And not-so-good reviews. (Best Picture?.. for serious?) That's almost as puzzling as Crash's 2005 win in this category despite its tepid reviews prior to awards season. Bridesmaids would have been more of a fun addition to the category as the comedy-that-could! Also, the young lead actor (despite not being nominated for any other major awards) Max von Sydow. He is a gifted little actor, but he is both misplaced in the supporting category and snuck in there as a surprise.
(1) The Artist. Yep. The [motherfuckin'] Artist. Y'all know how I feel about this one, too. Silent film as Oscar bait? DUH. What a cheap and obvious ploy for Awards Season glory. The Academy clearly drank the Kool-Aid.
I still think the preview is more deserving of a nomination than the movie. And the best performance in the film was by that adorable little Jack Russell Terrier. I don't see him nominated? Puzzling.
"Uggie" (the amazing dog from The Artist) on The Ellen Degeneres Show
And it will definitely win Best Picture. It's got all the momentum. I understand the nomination for Best Score. I mean....there are no fucking words in the movie. Please don't let this spawn a trend. Twilight put annoying vampires everywhere. The Artist best not put a mime on every street corner. I cannot stand a damn mime. I will kick the shit out of one if I see it.
(2) Play a tranny, get an Oscar nod. This worked for Felicity Huffman in Transamerica. And it deservedly resulted in a Best Actress win for Hilary Swank in the gut-wrenching Boys Don't Cry. But, to me (with some exceptions), this is like a celebrated beauty playing ugly or unglamorous (see Charlize Theron and Halle Berry in Monster and Monster's Ball respectively). Straight actors going gay-for-pay (see...well.....any time it has happened in A-list films). Sometimes it is deserved; sometimes it is just too transparent of a ploy. How about an actual tranny? An actual ugly girl? An actual gay actor? (Closeted or not, there are PLENTY of queens in Hollywood!) Okay...maybe I don't want to see a real tranny. (Shit.. I still can't watch the occasional Desperate Housewives without searching for an Adam's apple on Felicity Huffman!)
All this just seems to work. Add heavy-hitter and actress extraordinaire Glenn Close to the mix, and clearly a nomination will result. Glenn Close plays a woman playing a man in Albert Nobbs. But the film is not even well-reviewed. And I am willing to bet you have NOT seen it! (I love many poorly-reviewed movies. Just not ones that try so hard for the good reviews. Romy & Michele 4-eva! 4-eva-eva! 4-eva-eva!)
It is a shame that Close just received her sixth career nomination, yet has never won. I mean...HELLO! "Alex Forrest" in Fatal Attraction?! She was ROBBED of an Academy Award for that one. That crazy bitch still scares men's willies into their drawers! Any woman who wants a faithful man needs to watch that shit with their potential huss'bents as an "I'm watching you, motherfucker!" alert. It should absolutely work. But Albert Nobbs just does not seem worthy to me. And let me reiterate....I LOVE Glenn Close. She is a phenomenal thespian. This just isn't the film. It seems likely that the pairing of '80s awards season rivals Streep and Close just seemed too fabulous for the Academy to overlook!
ROBBED FUCKING BLIND!:
(1) Leonardo DiCaprio in J. Edgar. What else can I say? I mean....DiCaprio as J. Edgar Hoover. He is SUPERB in that film. The Academy's blatant blacklisting of all things Clint Eastwood in recent years is absurd. The complete shutout of Gran Torino in 2009? (JESUS!) The virtually-ignored (except for a Morgan Freeman's nod for his role as Nelson Mandela) Invictus? It is ridiculous. The politics of the Oscars are sometimes just outright insane.
Even J. Edgar's mixed reviews were not warranted. It was wonderfully moving overall.. on top of being a tortured love story. I guess gay-for-pay didn't work for DiCaprio. By far the most sinful exception to the aforementioned rule that I can think of. SHAME ON THE ACADEMY.
(2) Tate Taylor took a wildly popular novel (though many dismissed it as chick-lit) and turned it into both an entertaining and provocative film that will stand the test of time. And it made a shit ton of money on a small budget. Yet, he was snubbed for both Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay.
Mississippi-born-and-bred Taylor appropriately filmed The Help in his homeland, proved himself as a big-league power player, and directed some of the best performances of the past decade. And--ABOVE ALL (especially for me as a native Southerner) kept all of the accents in check. Nothing KILLS a movie for me like a bad, over-the-top Southern accent. Bad Southern accents are not only like nails on a chalkboard, they are insulting.. and can completely ruin a film. With Emma Stone not as seasoned as Viola Davis or Octavia Spencer, I was a little worried that could happen. Tate Taylor obviously feels the way I do about bad imitations of Southern accents, and he whipped all traces of them out of his cast.
(3) Ryan Gosling. 2011 was "The Year of Gosling." He had fantastic turns in Drive, The Ides of March and Crazy Stupid Love. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences failed to recognize what the rest of America did. Not only has he come a long way since his Disney days as a Mouseketeer alongside Britney Spears, Keri Russell, Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake on the '90s reboot of The Mickey Mouse Club, but neither his stunning virtually nude David-esque physique in Crazy Stupid Love nor any of his fantastic performances wooed the Academy. (I thought more than a few of those old fogies would get a touch randy for Ryan! Everyone else did!)
(4) Steven Spielberg. Spielberg is not one of those folks I would ever call unlucky or underrated. By ANY stretch. He has unprecedented power and admiration in the film industry. However, he took us all over Europe in War Horse. And he did it beautifully, musically (thanks to the ever-fabulous John Williams), and....drumroll....ON LOCATION! It wasn't all filmed "on the cheap" atop some random Canadian mountain. Spielberg's direction made War Horse legit, and he was unjustly overlooked this go-round.
~~~
MY ONE ACADEMY AWARDS WISH THIS YEAR:
I wish that the Best Actress statue could go to three women. Michelle Williams, Meryl Streep and Viola Davis ALL deserve statues. And if their respective films were released in differing years, I am sure each actress would bring a trophy home.
Each of these women deserve an Oscar for their roles, and I wish it could be a three-way tie. My heart is with Davis. But...then I second-guess myself because we always unfairly hold Streep to the untoppable standard she sets for herself every time she is in a film. Then, there is Williams who dared to play Marilyn Monroe: a seemingly lose-lose situation by sheer nature of comparison. Yet, she somehow won the lose-lose battle.
There is nothing more timelessly hysterical than hearing a small child swear. ....Especially an adorable, angelic little Asian nugget baby dropping the f-bomb.
So, I'll let Lily do the talking in my videos from the newest episode of Modern Family.
Papa Cam (the lovable queen) laughs at Lily, and an adorable'n'squeezable little baby monster is born!
Okay. It's over! Lily knows how to capture an audience! A STAR IS BORN!...
To the folks who comprise the rigid and frigid Parents Television Council, I say, "Please get laid. Immediately. Nothing's more innocently adorable than a cussing l'il chile'!"
awkward small talk whilst leaving an office building elevator en route to informational interview / lunch with a potential boss...
"Hmmmm. His cologne smells like cocaine."--Me
"That sure was an interesting fragrance he was wearing..."--Boss Man
"So. Where are we having lunch?"--Me
"Wait. Cocaine?"--Boss Man
"What are you talking about?......Ohhh! Right. The cologne. If you mean a leathery nail polish remover smell with a low note of peppermint ass crack, I just got it from Tom Ford. Basically, my favorite cologne is called 'Tuscan Leather.' They only sell it at Tom's retail store. It's overpriced as fuck, but it smells spectacular. When I bought my first bottle a few years ago, the sales girl said that everyone says it kind of smells like cocaine. So....basically I was just complimenting that guy's cologne. It reminded me of my own."--Me
Still waiting on an answer to the application that followed. I mean...the nerve! I sent him TWO thank-you notes on my most handsome embossed stationery. And the second one was sealed with wax.
United States Burger giant, Burger King, just began delivery service! I find this equal parts delicious and revolting.
The folks at Burger King are aiming for fatass domination, and could soon be nipping at McDonalds' heels in attempt to become the world's preeminent fast food joint. Their goal? To keep the fattest of the obese..the laziest of the pathetic, the quarantined, friendless, and agoraphobic among us just as we are. And it will only cost you an extra 2 bucks. (Hell....that is easily less than the cost of gas to get me to the closest BK.)
10 Burger King locations in the greater Washington, DC area are test-driving a delivery service as a case study for potential national success. An additional 6 locations will be added the week of January 23rd.
"Once the food finally got here, it was pretty darn good: The fries were hot and crispy, the Whopper was fresh and unsoggy, the salad was pretty and delightful and the pie — I was too full for that," Rosenwald said.
That is no accident. The food is delivered in an edible state via "propietary thermal packaging technology." John Fitzpatrick, chief brand and operations officer for Burger King, told USA Today that this packaging insures “that the Whopper is delivered hot and fresh, and the french fries are delivered hot and crispy.” If you are a within a 10-minute driving range from your closest Burger King, the company also promises to deliver your food within 30 minutes.
Test drive the Burger King delivery service for yourself right here! Let me know how goes it.
The folks at Burger King are either going to sink us and Paula Deen further into the depths of caloric depravity. Or they are going to do us all a huge public safety favor. I, for one, know that the only times I would even consider ordering Burger King are the times I have no bid'ness driving in the first place.
Happy Eatin'!!
[images via: (1) bsckids.com; (2) The Washington Post/Mike Rosenwald; (3) navtones.com]
It appears I have a neighbor with a clever sense of humor. Wrapped around a bag full of what I presume to be canine feces was a lovely little note to all building residents.
He or she is right. Leaving shit on the ground is to shit on us all!
Though I will not be picking up random pieces of shit on the ground like the note suggests, I will continue to bag and discard that which I clean up after Frisco.
Let's all work together for a more sanitary planet.
I was sitting around stressed...anxious.....upset.....mad. Thinking about last night's argument, and plotting the perfect "comeback line." Pathetic. What a waste of life. We all have so much to learn from "Aunt Carol."
Homegirl's still having a good time...gettin' down to some early Usher. Laughing. Not taking anything too seriously.
Just ask his ex, Chrystie; Robert Kardashian's former wife, Ellen; or even Khloe after a few drinks.
My friend Gregg has long had this inner hunch-- that Bruce Jenner is a lesbian. Clearly a not-so-far-fetched observation, it just always seemed to make too much sense. I agreed. I mean, he was clearly meant to be a woman. Aside from the uncanny resemblance to Rachel Maddow above (not to mention 17-year-old boy/28-year-old lesbian, Justin Bieber), Jenner's apparent penchant for waxed eyebrows, obvious makeup, endless facelifts, botulism toxin, cheek implants, Juvéderm, facial fillers, etc...has left him virtually female. Except maybe a teenie beanee-weenee for a peenie.
Lesbians rock at sports, too...so maybe that even explains his über-Olympian past.
My presumptions about all things Kardashian-Jenner have been based on hearsay for years. Tabloids and television newsmagazines, Kim Kardashian's lame sex tape with Ray-J, and Bruce Jenner's pot-stirring son Brody of Hills infamy all shaped my perceptions. But--believe it or not--I had NOT EVEN ONCE watched any of their mind-numbing, Seacrest-produced, horseshit shows on E!.
I have long been known to watch some lowbrow shit. But I just could not bring myself that low. Until this season's Kourtney & Kim Take New York, that is. There is just something about watching the disaster you know is coming unravel before your eyes......the Titanic hit the iceberg, so to speak.
So, for better or worse (well, okay, WORSE), I now pay attention for a half-second when I read and hear shit like "Bruce Jenner Wears Lacy Bras and High Heels!"
Gregg was right! Bruce Jenner is a lesbian.
Gregg said, "Bruce Jenner definitely puts on Kris' crotchless panties." That image is simply vile. Possibly even more vile than picturing Jenner's tranny step-"daughter," Khloe Kardashian in crotchless panties.
So, this means Jenner is the chupacabra. The full package. The lipstick and the butch rolled into one creepy l'il package. Male athlete. Tranny lifestyle. ......Very interesting stuff.
Jenner is clearly the one responsible for making sure his offspring and step-children look like whores channeling Jenna Jameson and/or Frederick's of Hollywood models at all times. Applying those false lashes that they apparently even sleep in requires a butch side. He would have to know his way around Home Depot to find Gorilla Glue for those lashes. And spray paint for that makeup the girls always seem to miraculously wake up wearing.
Bruce Jenner clearly tends to those cash cows like Bruce Willis tended to Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn's walking-dead corpses in Death Becomes Her.
All things being said, a lesbian is simply a woman who likes women. And Bruce loves power-momager-pimp Kris Jenner...
And her lace teddies, garters, lashes and leopard print hooker heels!
The Bruce Jenner cross-dressing story complete with substantiating interview hits the news stands (or your mailbox) today. Check out the new issue of Star magazine for details.
~~~
Editor's Note: I apologize for saying "panties." I just lost half of my spinach-goat cheese omelette. It was floating awkwardly with the coffee and orange juice in my abdomen anyways...and I need to lose 10. So, I am kind of okay with the fact I said "panties." Just this once.
I am not trying to sit here acting like I am Lance Armstrong, Sylvester Stallone or....well.....even your run-of-the-mill 10K runner. I am consistently inconsistent. Essentially, that means one week on; one week off. Or something like that.
