Jessica Gives Birth To...

Jessica Simpson finally shat that thing out today.  PRAISE JESUS!

Despite reports that Simpson gave birth to a 9 pound, 13 ounce baby girl named Maxwell Drew Johnson in Los Angeles this morning, I must report that this is simply an untruthful attempt at People cover glory.  The reality is much more 1980s martian-baby National Enquirer.

With her be-hooker-heel'ed legs flailing around, Simpson actually gave birth in her own 3,000 gallon pool of placenta.. to a 200-pound, 35-year-old woman named, simply "Carol."

 A super-attractive nurse at Cedars-Sinai will back me up.

Any likeness to Horatio Sanz is merely coincidental.









[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) source]