Written Without Adderall©: RIP, DICK CLARK!: 'The Word's Oldest Teenager Dies' at 82.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

RIP, DICK CLARK!: 'The Word's Oldest Teenager Dies' at 82.

Long-dubbed "The World's Oldest Teenager," the Caucasian "Mr. Entertainment" did it all! The 'Host with the Most,' if you will.

In addition to endless hosting gigs on shows beginning with the groundbreaking American Bandstand in the grainy black-and-white television days of the 1950s, Dick Clark produced over 170 recurring specials and awards shows in his lifetime. He even created my favorite awards show [where the stars of the small and big screens openly get hammered together] (The Golden Globe Awards), the most forgettable awards show I can think of (The American Music Awards)....and he has hosted New Year's Eve live from Times Square since 1972. Call his cause of death what you will, but it must truly be exhaustion.

Think of Clark as the Aaron Spelling of television hosting and awards show production: Extremely prolific, uber-glossy....and a touch lowbrow. In essence: MY W** DREAM! (Sorry...I LOATHE the word "wet.")

My only beef with Master Clark? He inspired the moolah-printing Sea-Monster (or, as I more lovingly refer to her, The She-Monster) to do what she does best: host and produce any-and-everything our current dumbed-down populus (myself included) consumes. That lady......is Ryan Seacrest. And you have her to blame for the motherfucking Kardashians (AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)....in addition to many other mind-numbing programs like the long-forgotten Denise Richards: It's Complicated, the short-lived and HORRENDOUS Bromance, and the brand-new Shahs of Sunset.

Why didn't you take The She-Monster with you, Dickie??

I kid; I kid. I was jealous of Seacrest until I realized he has like 14 jobs and has to be "on" in that spray-tan-Vaselined-teeth way 24 hours a day. Mad respect for anyone who works that hard. But it was all inspired by the original: Dick Clark.

RIP, DICK CLARK!! Your contributions to American culture will live on forever.

The Sea-Monster will try his damnedest to catch up with you, but you are the original!