I want it all the time. The dumb '80s-style opening credits. The longing for seeing Kirstie Alley when she was hot for more than 3 weeks. But I never long for Madhouse more than I do at the holidays.
Everyone is crowded under one roof. It certainly worked when you were three years old. It kind of worked during adolescence. But after you have left the roost and everyone comes home, it is just too damn much. Everyone getting ready at once makes showering about as comfortable as "spa day" at Guantanamo Bay. Freeze or scald, motherfuckers? Take your pick!
There are far too many "Holidays on Ice"-wannabe odes to Chrimmustime. It really doesn't require all that posing-to-be-Sedaris effort. All I need is a clip from 1990's Madhouse to express how I feel, but you can't even find a link to the obligatory "jiggle the handle" line from the Kirstie Alley/John Larroquette-helmed flick. Therefore, a plead for its DVD release is necessary so I can create my own clips. It is Dennis Miller's feature film debut, after all.
As a young 'chile, I burned-up the local video store copy of Madhouse...literally. There were so many late fees for that thing and Return to Oz that I am sure we bought each of them at least 15 times over. And now you cannot even find it. Anywhere. Not even a scuzzed-up DVD on Amazon. And I am the best at the "find-out-of-print-shit" game.
I found the little-seen-by-everyone-but-me '80s sequel to the 1939 megahit The Wizard of Oz, Return to Oz.....and it stars Fairuza Balk in the Judy Garland role of Dorothy. Ummm.....yeah. Not as good now as it was at 5 years old. But, still, I found that 'ol thing. Where the fuck is Madhouse? I don't even see it on a random Comedy Central hangover Sunday.
Until I get my hands on a copy of the critically-derided-but loved-by-me classic, I can't truly express my key points about the holidays with the emphatic exclamation I find necessary.
The cat that gets into the cocaine is the perfect movie moment needed to depict my parents' dog. The damn thing eats a brick of cocaine, and runs in speedy circles until its heart gives out.
The only [little-seen and fuzzy] YouTube clip in existence is merely a portion of the scene. Uggggh!
Hurry up, MGM. Bring Madhouse to DVD. I'd blow you for it.
[images via: (1 and 3) moviegoods.com; (2) Philips Wood/WrittenWithoutAdderall©]