"HELLLLLP!!!!!": The Great Horsefly Caper

As my "sexless soulmate" Julie can attest, I am pretty fearless.   (Well....besides my fear of herpes, germs, pretension, cats, people with English teeth, stinging insects, and New York subway handle bars, that is.)   Julie will also attest that there is no way I would make this story up.  Homegirl has seen me run from a horsefly for hours whilst screaming like a wee l'il baby girl.

*****

I've been recovering from a torn hamstring that was incurred while performing my drunken splits for anyone who would give me the slightest bit of attention back in the winter during a snowy weekend in the mountains.  This is not an excuse.  It has been a huge problem, actually.  My other big fear is obesity.  And with my gargantuan appetite, exercise is necessary.  (VERY necessary, actually...like the title to one of the greatest albums of all time!)

(And...the BEST!  This'un still makes me schvitz with giddy glee!)






Anyways...back to me.  So, this torn hamstring has had me sidelined for far too long.  If I am not going to look like a blowfish for my brother's wedding in a few days, then some jogging is definitely in order.  I know I could have iced it, sat on my fat ass, taken an epsom salt bath or two....something.  But...uggggh......that shit requires patience, so this hobble-along will just have to do for now. 



I got up this morning, tied my shoes, cued Jay-Z & headed out for a run.  Gimp leg and all.  It was all going too well.  I've been on a mini-vacay at my parents' beach house..with no parents there.  Typically, that is heaven.  However, it has been cold and rainy.  (F*ck this ridiculously cold spring, BTDubs.)  So, I've been sequestered inside with gut-expanding liquor drinks and no sun.  Mama always told me that tan fat was better than pale fat, but pale fat has been well on the way under these conditions.  So...you can sense my excitement when the sun came out and I dragged myself outside for a freedom run!




Like I said, things were just going too well.  The leg seemed to be holding up, the gargantuan chin zit had mellowed into a subtle flicker of a thing, my body no longer recognized dark rum as something to reject, the sun was out.  And...best of all.....the oddly cold spring meant no flying insects nesting in my windpipe.  No Goldie Hawn here today!







BRING ON THAT SUNSHINE, MY LAWWWWWWD!!!!!


Freedom...... air....light...... m'leg's holdin' up jess fine!



Things were too good to be true for about 10 minutes.  I knew it... I could feel it.  Am I being paranoid?  What is that buzzing sound circling my head??  "NO!!!!!!!" I screamed.  "NOT JUST AS 'COLD-HEARTED SNAKE' COMES ON!!"




And then I saw that motherf*cker!!

It was all over.  That bastard was going to follow me to the death and bite my ass over....and over....and OVER again.  I had already jogged halfway to the sound side of the island.  I sped-up, swatting around my face in panic mode with all the masculinity of Nathan Lane in The Birdcage!



I knew I was going to have to find some body of water in which to jump and hide.  As I quickly increased my speed to Carl Lewis territory, I swiftly turned around to head back to my home turf on the ocean.  "This bitch will NOT get me on his turf!" I thought as I sprinted into a panic.  My leg began to hurt more and more as that buzzing turd was still hot on my heels. "Mind over matter, Phil.  Mind over matter.  JUST RUNNNNNN!"




What seemed like an eternity passed and my leg was giving out.  "HELLLLLLLLP!!!" I screamed like LuAnn Clatterbuck in Shag: The Movie when the town fruitcake grabbed her at the Myrtle Beach Pavilion and forced her to dance against her will.

As I rounded the corner to my house, that little shit was hot on my heels.  "I WILL NOT END UP LIKE THOMAS J., YOU SUNNUVABITCH!!" I screamed aloud.

"I CAN'T LEAVE BOO STRANDED VADA SULTENFUSS-STYLE!" I screamed as I dove into the icy springtime ocean.

Macaulay "Thomas J." Culkin  and Anna "Vada Sultenfuss" Chlumsky escape angry bees in the water!

After holding my breath as long as possible, I felt like Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap (no...not the 1998 remake with that prepubescent, flame-haired little skank still polluting our magazines after nearly a decade of irrelevance).  Remember that scene when the twins were trying to trick their soon-to-be stepmonster into wading into unsuspectingly deep lake water?  Well.....I pulled that shit 'til I couldn't.

With past experiences of horselfy escape under my belt, I knew that bastard knew exactly where I was hiding.  He was waiting for me to emerge from the ocean.  So I swam underwater parallel to the beach as far as my lack of oxygen would allow.

I jumped out, and took off running for the house.  I narrowly escaped, but my leg is in so much pain.  "My poor hamstring!" I moaned in agony.  "Now I'll have to do 'the sprain' all summer."





Bless Lisa Turtle.  She has been through so much lately.  Somebody force-feed the sweetheart some meds NOW.  It's so sad.  (If you still haven't heard, click those links.)

I showered whilst sobbing in semi-agony.  My poor leg!  It must have been some 20 minutes later when I went back to the front door to go out on the porch.  That motherf*ckin' horselfy was still there waiting for me at the screen.  I screamed as loudly as I could:




RIP, Whitney!  Still giving me words from beyond.









[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) source; (4) source; (5) source; (6) source; (7) source; (8) source; (9) source]

SAY WHAAA?!: THE SH*T HAS HIT THE FAN!

....and it has hit it hard!

Kim Kardashian has sucked and fucked worked her way to Anna Wintour's dinner table!





Us Weekly is reporting that Kim Kardashian and her sperminator beau Kanye West dined with the Vogue editor (and newly named "Artistic Director" of Condé Nast) at her Manhattan home last night.  NATURALLY, Kim posted a "selfie" on Instagram prior to dinner with the fashion mag maven.  (I'm SURE Pimp Mama Kris Jenner alerted the paps. KJ is the Messiah of lowbrow genius, after all.)

What on EARTH is this world coming to?  I mean.....what's next??:  Lindsay Lohan at a nunnery?   Mama June at Chéz Wintour makes more sense to me than this shit.

Life really is just about who you f*ck!  It seems to work EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.! (..for both those I know.. AND those I just know of.)

I want to be "Vivian Ward" in my next life!

[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) source; (4) source]

The New 'Little Edie' Makes Her Bravo Debut...(and Jason Collins Says He's a 'Mo!)

The Queen of Versailles is DEFINITELY the Grey Gardens of the 21st century..

.....minus the song'n'dance vignettes by L'il Edie Bouvier Beale and her equally delusional mother!

***

Jackie "The Queen of Versailles" Siegel and her equally/tragically narcissistic husband David Siegel sought to build a Floridian version of King Louis XIV's castle in Versailles, France.  (No doubt to suit their Eurotrash/TrumpTower-esque tastes.)  At 90,000 square feet, the Siegel's take on Louis XIV's Palace of Versailles was set to make Spelling Manor look like a gate house.  And, despite insistence to the contrary, I'm sure they loved that theirs was to be the "largest single-family home under one roof in America."  But construction was halted when the 2008 economic disaster happened. 

Jackie & David Siegel on their gilded perch.

I remember hearing about this documentary when it made a splash at last year's Sundance Film Festival.  (And again a few months ago when my friend Darden said, "Bitch!  You have got to see this!" after watching it on her Netflix queue.)  My favorite television network (Bravo, natch) promptly bought the rights and finally premiered the documentary for television last night.  What I saw had so much more depth than I'd anticipated.   

The Queen of Versailles director Lauren Greenfield sought to follow the Siegels as they built their gargantuan dream home.  What she ended up with was so much more--an emotional rollercoaster-like blend of schadenfreude and sadness for the viewer.  Amidst construction of the behemoth came the economic crash of 2008.  Given that David Siegel earned his once-sizeable wealth in real estate at the helm of Westgate Resorts (a timeshare company that seems kind of like a Ponzi / pyramid scheme to me), the viewer sees them fall hard.  And fast.

Though the Siegels may be the tackiest people I have ever seen in my life (comments from Jackie to her children include, "You may have to go to college now."), you truly feel sorry for them.  The Queen of Versailles is a documentary about what many of us felt in 2008.... But at the most dramatic level possible. 

Jackie, the Queen herself, and her big'ol fake tittays were fielding queries on Andy Cohen's Watch What Happens Live following the premiere.

Siegel claims they are now having their best year ever at Westgate Resorts.  She also says that she and her huss'bent have reacquired their unfinished manse-mess from the bank with plans to finish construction.  AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Come on!!  Really??

Bigger isn't always better, guys!...

 

..Just ask Jason Collins' "receiver!"  OUCH!!

 

In all seriousness, though... Congratulations on your bravery, Mr. Collins.  There are PLENTY of closeted gay professional athletes out there, but you burst that door open in the NBA with your game face on.  On the cover of Sports Illustrated, no less.  BRAVO!


Bless your future partner, though!  A 7-foot-tall black man must be a WHOOOOOOLE lot to handle!

*****

Be sure to tune in to the rerun of The Queen of Versailles this Friday at 9/8 Central on Bravo!

[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) source; (4) source; (5) source; (6) source; (7) source]

Video of the Day: Best Job Interview EVER!

I've been so distracted lately.  My ADHD is in a constant state of flare, and I try not to medicate because it takes my anxiety to unbearable heights.  So then I take something else...and then I can't concentrate.  I think it's just best to get off of that pharmacological treadmill and just....be.  Ya' know?

Get off that rollercoaster, yo'!!

But err'body's got to go back to work at some point, and our new friend in this video is ready to get back to work.  Ready to feel good about himself again!






The crazy things kids do for employment these days!









[images via: (1) source; (2) source; **Thanks for the inspiration, Greg!]

WackyTacky'N'True: "THAT'S A JUMBO-SIZED SEWER RAT!!"

"GET OUTTA' MY HOUSE!!"

"Lady...that's a jumbo-sized sewer rat!!"

Anyone with good taste can tell you all about 1987's un.fucking.real. flick Adventures In Babysitting.  We've all acted it out, right??:   Lip-syncing "And Then He Kissed Me" into a bottle of Aqua Net while prancing around a 4-poster bed....  Choreographing your own version of "Babysitting Blues.".....  Ticklin' your own pickle to a fresh-faced, gal-next-door-gawwgeous Elizabeth "ChrisParker" Shue.    I mean..we've all at least referenced the "You slip me the cash, and I'll slip you the weiner" line, right??

My Pre-Teen Dream, Elisabeth Shue, then and now!

Penelope Ann Miller as "Bless -Her-Heart-Brenda" on the left....and now!

Penelope Ann "ChrisParker'sFrumpyFriendBrenda" Miller was CERTAINLY no Elisabeth Shue, but you had to feel for the failed teenage runaway stranded at that ghetto-ass Chicago bus station. 



The bitch should have just spiked her mom's Tab with Drano and called it a day.  Going Greyhound is clearly not in Brenda's best interest.  (And hopefully never mine, either!)

Well... art imitates life.  DeLorean style, at least.   (Kudos to my encyclopaedic popular culture cranium for throwing in a reference to another Elisabeth Shue great:  Back to the Future: Part II).

 

Who would have known in 1987 that Babystitting's Brenda would be the inspiration for a fucking heinous 2013 Argentinian prank??:

26 years after Brenda mistook a jumbo-sized sewer rat for a kitten, the UK's Daily Mail is reporting that a couple of bargain hunters in Argentina got way less than they bargained for when they purchased steroid-infused rodents under false pretenses.  Those po' fools thought they were getting 2 toy poodles. 

People in the Argentinian market of La Salada are being sold ferrets (Brazilian rats - right) given steroids so that they resemble toy poodles (left).

*****

"Gullible bargain hunters at Argentina's largest bazaar are forking out hundreds of dollars for what they think are gorgeous toy poodles, only to discover that their cute pooch is in fact a ferret pumped up on steroids.

One retired man from Catamarca, duped by the knock-down price for a pedigree dog, became suspicious he had bought what Argentinians call a 'Brazilian rat' and when he returned home took the 'dogs' to a vet for their vaccinations.

Imagine his surprise when his suspicious were confirmed - he had in fact purchased two ferrets that had been given steroids at birth to increase their size and then had some extra grooming to make their coats resemble a fluffy toy poodle."

--The Daily Mail

*****

The 'Brazilian rat' was fed steroids from birth and dramatically groomed to resemble a toy poodle to the ignorant.  Fucking.  Gross.

Once considered an urban legend of the enormous La Salada market, a Buenos Aires television station discovered that the unidentified Argentinian man was not alone in his idiocy being severely misled.   Apparently, a woman was told she was buying a chihuahua when she was actually leaving with a Stay-Puft ferret. 

Stay away from the La Salada market pets, people!

Run, Brenda!  RUN!!!!












[images via: (1) source; (2) Marsh Howard/screen shot of Adventures in Babysitting; (3 & 4) source; (5) source; (6 & 7) ©YouTube / source;  (8) source; (9) source.  *****Thanks so much for the story idea, LMH!!*****]

Video of the Year: WERK. WERK. WERRRK!!

As we have already established, The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kenya Moore is the "singer" of one of my favorite jams.  But the recently-released accompanying music video for "Gone With The Wind Fabulous" is one of the most hysterical hottrannymesses I have ever come across in my entire life.

I DARE you to just watch this shit once!




Self-produced by Miss Kenya's own Moore Vision Media, the "GWTWF" video seems to be a true glimpse into the mess that is Moore herself.  All season long I have wondered if Kenya Moore was actually five-screws-loose insane...or if she just knew good job security behavior for insuring Mista' Andy's invite for a second season.

My final conclusion is that Miss Moore is that perfect Bravocentric blend of batshitty, camptastic loon and well-heeled bid'ness savvy!  Atta'girl!  See you next season!

Faye Dunaway's got nothing on Kenya!




Tune in to Part 1 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta's reunion this coming Sunday at 8/7 Central. 

(...and don't forget tonight's second and final part of the RHOBH reunion at 9/8 Central....tonight's Real Housewives of Orange County premiere at 8/7 Central....and tonight's Watch What Happens Live! complete with revelation of Vicki G's new face!!  Basically...just tune in tonight at 8/7 Central & don't change the channel.)  Bravo, natch. 

Remind me to tell you about my Time Warner Cable request for a "Bravo-and-CNN-only package!"...

[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) Philips Wood / Written Without Adderall© iPhone screen shot; (4) source]

"ALL-THE-WAY FAYE!"

My disdain for Faye Resnick has nothing to do with the fact that she is a horrible human being.  Or the fact that she looks like Paula Abdul's slutty mom.   I hate this 'ol coke slag opportunist for daring to stand in judgment of others.. ESPECIALLY given her own sordid history.  "The morally corrupt Faye Resnick" (as The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Camille Grammer aptly called her) is no angel, honey!!

Supposedly reformed blowhound, semi-pornographic pictorial poser [click here for some NSFW photographs], social-climber extraordinairess, and overall POSEUR Faye Resnick has now fashioned herself a grandstanding "Miss Manners" of sorts.  She now considers herself such a "lady" that she can stand in judgment of others. 

If you remember 'Ol Faye from a couple of seasons ago (when she first began trying to weasel her way into becoming a full-time cast member of the hit Bravo series), Miss Camille decided to put her in her place.  After being mocked by the other ladies for her softcore past, Camille was not going to let an uninvited guest filled with such blatant hypocrisy sit at her dinner table.  

I miss the old Camille....you know....first-season Camille:  The one who was so delightfully unfiltered!

But 2 years later, 'Ol Faye is still up to her judgmental tricks.  Sticking her reconstructed beak in other people's bid'ness.  The self-proclaimed "LADY" has been focusing her evil glare on Brandi Glanville this year.  And last week, I decided I'd had enough of this bitch!

And NOW she has the audacity to insult Lisa at Lisa's own vow renewal.  At Lisa's own home.   Ludicrous!  

You are SUCH a "lady," Faye!  I mean....FAYE?!?!?!?!?!  Your name is FAYE.   That's the thing about these misinformed, lowbrow poseur-snobs.  They don't even get that changing your face and tits should come WAYYYYYY after changing your name from Faye to something that exists outside of Lunchladyland.  

If Faye Resnick were a decent human being, I wouldn't even say such things.  For those old enough to remember the 1990s, please recall that Faye Resnick is the blowhound hussy who inserted herself into the OJ Simpson trial for shameless attention.  Manipulating her self-professed "best friend" status with the brutally-slain Nicole Brown Simpson for an attempt at fame and fortune, 'Ol Faye clearly knows nothing about being a "lady"..or a friend, for that matter.  

"Ladies" and true friends just don't manipulate their supposed best friend's murder into Playmate status and multiple narcissistic books about the ensuing trial for said friend's slaying.  And then 'Ol Faye shamelessly tarted herself out all over the talk show circuit for attention.  Even Geraldo.  

I mean...GERALDO?!?!?!?  No disitinction between "good attention" and "bad attention" in this woman's mind.   

Faye is clearly still up to her old games of inserting herself into other people's lives for personal gain.  And it just may get her a coveted RHOBH intro diamond.  Just a sign'o'the times, I guess!

**********

Dearest Faye,

Hey..gurrl!  You may end up getting to hold the diamond in 2014... but make NO mistake about it, honey.  Y-O-U are no lady.  The fact that you not only think that "being a lady" is something proportional to how many Chanel purses one owns....coupled with the fact that you think you are in ANY sort of position to judge what makes a "lady"... shows just how delusional you are.

Right here is a link to the original article from 1935 in which Emily Post herself defined what makes a "lady."  

Emily Post herself!  [photo courtesy of the Emily Post Institute]

EAT IT.  LICK IT.  LOVE IT.  

YOU, Faye Resnick, are no lady!

Xx P

**********

"Allllllllll the waaaaaayyyy.......Faye?!"

[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) source; (4) Philips Wood/Written Without Adderall© photograph of Bravo/NBC Universal; (5) source; (6) source; (7) source]