As my "sexless soulmate" Julie can attest, I am pretty fearless. (Well....besides my fear of herpes, germs, pretension, cats, people with English teeth, stinging insects, and New York subway handle bars, that is.) Julie will also attest that there is no way I would make this story up. Homegirl has seen me run from a horsefly for hours whilst screaming like a wee l'il baby girl.
I've been recovering from a torn hamstring that was incurred while performing my drunken splits for anyone who would give me the slightest bit of attention back in the winter during a snowy weekend in the mountains. This is not an excuse. It has been a huge problem, actually. My other big fear is obesity. And with my gargantuan appetite, exercise is necessary. (VERY necessary, actually...like the title to one of the greatest albums of all time!)
(And...the BEST! This'un still makes me schvitz with giddy glee!)
Anyways...back to me. So, this torn hamstring has had me sidelined for far too long. If I am not going to look like a blowfish for my brother's wedding in a few days, then some jogging is definitely in order. I know I could have iced it, sat on my fat ass, taken an epsom salt bath or two....something. But...uggggh......that shit requires patience, so this hobble-along will just have to do for now.
I got up this morning, tied my shoes, cued Jay-Z & headed out for a run. Gimp leg and all. It was all going too well. I've been on a mini-vacay at my parents' beach house..with no parents there. Typically, that is heaven. However, it has been cold and rainy. (F*ck this ridiculously cold spring, BTDubs.) So, I've been sequestered inside with gut-expanding liquor drinks and no sun. Mama always told me that tan fat was better than pale fat, but pale fat has been well on the way under these conditions. So...you can sense my excitement when the sun came out and I dragged myself outside for a freedom run!
Like I said, things were just going too well. The leg seemed to be holding up, the gargantuan chin zit had mellowed into a subtle flicker of a thing, my body no longer recognized dark rum as something to reject, the sun was out. And...best of all.....the oddly cold spring meant no flying insects nesting in my windpipe. No Goldie Hawn here today!
BRING ON THAT SUNSHINE, MY LAWWWWWWD!!!!!
Freedom...... air....light...... m'leg's holdin' up jess fine!
Things were too good to be true for about 10 minutes. I knew it... I could feel it. Am I being paranoid? What is that buzzing sound circling my head?? "NO!!!!!!!" I screamed. "NOT JUST AS 'COLD-HEARTED SNAKE' COMES ON!!"
And then I saw that motherf*cker!!
It was all over. That bastard was going to follow me to the death and bite my ass over....and over....and OVER again. I had already jogged halfway to the sound side of the island. I sped-up, swatting around my face in panic mode with all the masculinity of Nathan Lane in The Birdcage!
I knew I was going to have to find some body of water in which to jump and hide. As I quickly increased my speed to Carl Lewis territory, I swiftly turned around to head back to my home turf on the ocean. "This bitch will NOT get me on his turf!" I thought as I sprinted into a panic. My leg began to hurt more and more as that buzzing turd was still hot on my heels. "Mind over matter, Phil. Mind over matter. JUST RUNNNNNN!"
What seemed like an eternity passed and my leg was giving out. "HELLLLLLLLP!!!" I screamed like LuAnn Clatterbuck in Shag: The Movie when the town fruitcake grabbed her at the Myrtle Beach Pavilion and forced her to dance against her will.
THOMAS J., YOU SUNNUVABITCH!!" I screamed aloud.
"I CAN'T LEAVE BOO STRANDED VADA SULTENFUSS-STYLE!" I screamed as I dove into the icy springtime ocean.
|Macaulay "Thomas J." Culkin and Anna "Vada Sultenfuss" Chlumsky escape angry bees in the water!|
After holding my breath as long as possible, I felt like Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap (no...not the 1998 remake with that prepubescent, flame-haired little skank still polluting our magazines after nearly a decade of irrelevance). Remember that scene when the twins were trying to trick their soon-to-be stepmonster into wading into unsuspectingly deep lake water? Well.....I pulled that shit 'til I couldn't.
With past experiences of horselfy escape under my belt, I knew that bastard knew exactly where I was hiding. He was waiting for me to emerge from the ocean. So I swam underwater parallel to the beach as far as my lack of oxygen would allow.
I jumped out, and took off running for the house. I narrowly escaped, but my leg is in so much pain. "My poor hamstring!" I moaned in agony. "Now I'll have to do 'the sprain' all summer."
Bless Lisa Turtle. She has been through so much lately. Somebody force-feed the sweetheart some meds NOW. It's so sad. (If you still haven't heard, click those links.)
I showered whilst sobbing in semi-agony. My poor leg! It must have been some 20 minutes later when I went back to the front door to go out on the porch. That motherf*ckin' horselfy was still there waiting for me at the screen. I screamed as loudly as I could:
RIP, Whitney! Still giving me words from beyond.
[images via: (1) source; (2) source; (3) source; (4) source; (5) source; (6) source; (7) source; (8) source; (9) source]